Baby, Bye Bye Bye

Have you ever made a very difficult decision? You thought about it over and over for many hours or even days, weeks, or months? Did you make a pros and cons list to help you make the decision? What about talk to someone about it to help you walk through your thoughts and feelings? I did all of the above.

I met this guy in 2009. We started dating right away after the first date. I thought he was the greatest guy ever. He was romantic, sweet, and Christian. We were on and off up until 2018. Every time we had a disagreement he would run away, and we wouldn’t talk for several weeks. I was so blinded by “love” that I had no idea what kind of relationship it was until he left for 7 weeks. He was in a place where he didn’t have very good cell service or crappy internet. We wrote letters back and forth. Yes, the old-fashioned way. But, in all that time he was away it gave me time to think. To analyze our relationship. Our friendship. To really think about all the whole time, he and I were together. The times he pretended to listen to what I had to say but changed the subject on himself when he got bored. When every movie or restaurant we went to. It was what HE wanted to do. I realized he didn’t value me. He was selfish. He didn’t truly listen to what I had to say. The fact he interrupted my mom in the middle of a sentence made it clear. It wasn’t just me. That is how he is. Then it hit me. He’s a LOT like someone else I know. And I do NOT want to end up with someone like that.

I thought, and I thought. I talked it over with friends and my therapist. Made the pros and cons list. As I was doing all this, I started pushing him away. I quit talking as much and I didn’t open up to him anymore. When I push him away and act “weird” he calls my mother to make sure I’m ok. Which, to this day, I have no idea why he ever did that. I just think it was a control mechanism. He liked to be in control. Another toxic characteristic he had.

March of 2018 I finally came to a very difficult decision. I was going to break it off with him once and for all. Go my separate way. Move on from him. Of course, when we talk about serious topics, he doesn’t like doing them face to face or even on the phone. He prefers to have serious conversations via text message. That drove me crazy. It reminded me of a child not wanting to confront an issue, so they avoid the problem. That’s exactly what he was doing. So, I broke it off over text. Since he refused to talk in any other way.

At first, I felt relieved. I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. But then by April it started to hit me. I no longer have my best friend. The person I talked to every day. The one I saw every weekend. I started spiraling down emotionally and mentally and it showed. My hair and nails turned black, my fake smile appeared, and depression made its way back after I was just making progress.

Well, that’s a different topic for another day. My point is, it was the hardest decision of my life. To let go the one constant thing in my life. To let go a guy I really loved. It broke my heart when I let him go. My heart has been healing ever since. For once, I actually feel like its healing. But to know that I made that difficult choice helped me become stronger. The confidence to know what is good for me and what is not. I can finally be me. Be who I am meant to be.