I Still Believe

What is Ovarian Cancer? Cancer starts when cells in the body begin to grow out of control. Cells in nearly any part of the body can become cancer and can spread.

Ovarian cancers were previously believed to begin only in the ovaries, but recent evidence suggests that many ovarian cancers may actually start in the cells in the far (distal) end of the fallopian tubes.

Why am I talking about ovarian cancer? Well, to be completely honest, I just watched a movie that was about a man’s wife who dealt with stage 3 ovarian cancer and died shortly after they were married. It really got me thinking about things and life.

Back in September I had surgery. I had an ablation done which basically is where they took a laser and burned off the walls/lining of my uterus to hopefully fix some other health problems I was having. The surgeon took a biopsy and ran tests. Come to find out I hand endometriosis which is the beginning stages of ovarian cancer. The good thing about being in the beginning stages is they were able to remove the cancer cells with the ablation before it got worse. Doctor says I shouldn’t be able to get the cancer again since they took it out before it was too late. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be cautious or worry.

I think often of what would have happened if I didn’t go through with the ablation. The cancer would have spread and gotten worse to the point where nothing could have been done. I would have been in pain, gone through chemotherapy, radiation or whatever the doctor wanted me to do. Would I have died at a young age? Or would the cancer go away and I would have lived my life and did what I wanted to do? There are endless questions.

The movie also made me really think about my faith. I used to be such a strong Christian, but traumatic and bad events have happened that caused my faith to dwindle away. I still believe but I was very angry and hurt. Why did I go through what I did? What was the purpose? What is MY purpose? Only HE knows. But what am I REALLY angry about? Am I angrier at the people that hurt me or am I angrier at God for letting it happen? That is what I’m trying to figure out.

Being angry doesn’t get you anywhere but I have been so angry that I refused to pray or even open my bible for so long. I’ve ignored my anger and my hurt for so long. I’ve worked on other aspects of my life such as depression and anxiety. Does anger go hand in hand with these? Yes, they do. So, why ignore them? I ignored them because I didn’t want to deal with them. I have so much pain, hurt and anger that I wasn’t ready to deal with them. When I would talk with my therapist, she sees how angry I am and would try to pinpoint where it was coming from. Because I wasn’t ready to go there I would either get defensive or avoid the subject all together. Am I ready to confront my anger and pain? I’m still not sure but I’ve been thinking about it a lot more lately. Do I want to go there? No. Do I NEED to go there? Yes. Do I want to heal my faith and turn to God again, like I use to? I am not sure about that either. “Why” you ask? It has more to do with fear. Fear of being let down again. Fear of being hurt again. Fear of being left behind again. They say, “God will never leave us” and that “He’s always there”. I used to be able to feel Him. I used to believe he is still around and yet, I don’t anymore. I think he has left. Me specifically.

Before if someone were going through this and talked to me what they were going through. I would say He is still around. You are just blind sighted by the anger, fear and hurt that you don’t see him. but He is there, and He sees you. The flowers that still bloom, the snow fall, the rainbow after the rain, in the eyes of your loved ones. But I can’t say this because I no longer see it. So why say something that I don’t believe? When you say one thing but do another, you’re being hypocritical. I don’t want to be that. I’ve always been true to myself and didn’t do anything I didn’t believe in. So why does the subject of faith bother me so much? Every time faith or God is mentioned my jaw tightens and my eyes harden. The anger is there.

I’ve been told “if I turn to God my anger will slowly go away”. So maybe I should? I am still not even sure about that either. I have been hurt too many times by the church and God. Why should I trust Him? I ask myself that all the time.

I have a pastor friend…maybe I should talk to him more on my anger about faith and so on. Would it help with not only anger but other aspects of my life? would it help me heal from what has happened? Or will it destroy me even more? The answer to all of this is I have no idea but am I willing to try and risk getting hurt again? Maybe. Which is closer than the flat out “no” I was at. I’ve been angry with God and the church for so long. Maybe it’s time to work on that part of me now? Again, I am not sure about that but maybe I’ll give it a try.

I haven’t had an easy life. I have struggled with many aspects of it from mentally to physically. It’s the way I cope that has helped me get through it. Everyone copes differently. I have talked about this in previous posts. What are ways that you express your feelings? How do you work through what is going on in your head? Do you write it down to organize your thoughts and process them, like I do? Or do you get your feelings and thoughts out in a more creative way like painting, which I also do? Everyone deals with what is inside their head differently. The question is…is how you deal with then healthy? Keeping them inside your head is not healthy. They build up and later explodes to where it ruins relationships and yourself. When you deal with anger you may go to the gym and work yourself hard to get that energy out. you may write about your anger or paint about anger. You may even talk to your pastor or therapist about your anger. For me I write about it and talk about my anger with my therapist.

Do what you think you need to do. Cope the way you feel comfortable. What do you think will ease your anger? Art? Writing? The Gym? Faith? Only you can figure that out. Doesn’t hurt to try things when you aren’t sure. Just make sure they are HEALTHY coping mechanisms.

One day you won’t see so much red. YOU GOT THIS!

YOU BE YOU!