Taking Risks-Relationships

I know I haven’t posted in a long while. And something has been on my mind consistently. There is someone that is very special to me, but he doesn’t know how special. Or he knows but doesn’t acknowledge it. It’s hard for me to express my feelings and what I am thinking while speaking but I can write them. So, what I decided to do, well my therapist decided, is for me to write a letter to him. So here it goes…

There are a few things I need to say but can’t seem to say them out loud. I have been thinking a lot about this for several months now, so, I’m writing my thoughts down. I’m better at writing than I am at speaking. So here it goes. What I have to say may change things or it may not that all depends on him, really.

Ten years ago, we met. I made it awkward by flirting with him right off the bat because I knew he was special…and still is. He has always been there for me. He has seen my ups and my downs and been there for each one. I have been through a lot in my life and he’s the only guy I have been able to trust and feel safe with. And yet, I feel like I’m not worthy or that I’m just a time filler. We have had this conversation over and over again. And it’s always been the same with him and yet his actions don’t speak what his words say. I’ve tried dating other people to get over these feelings. To try to move on because he doesn’t feel the same...I think. But dating didn’t work out because they weren’t what I wanted. My mind was always someplace else. I feel like our “friendship” has shifted in the past few months to something…more. He says we are “just friends” and that’s all he wants but his actions speak otherwise. Basically, we have been dating just without the commitment and the title.

Relationships are scary. There is a risk of being hurt and hurting the other person. That’s life. without risks how are we supposed to move forward. I understand he is comfortable where he is and being single. I get that. That is how I am BUT being where you are comfortable keeps you from going forward in life. when taking risks, we don’t know where we will go. It will take us down a bumpy road when taking risks but that journey down that road will consist of growth and knowledge. Taking risks in anything is scary but with the right person it’s not.

I have been too afraid to say anything about how I feel for several years now. I am at that point where I want to move forward and move forward with him. I’m also afraid of what he will say. Will it be the same thing he always says? Or will it be different this time? Like I’ve been saying his actions speak louder than words. I know all of this scare him and it scares me too, but I also know that we would be good together. We are now. We are a good support system for each other. So why not take a step forward? Change is good. Scary but good.

If he decides that what I want is not what he wants, then we need to set boundaries. Which means our friendship needs to change? Intimacy needs to change. He needs to think about what I am telling him. He needs to think about his present and future. Am I in it? Am I worth the risk? Am I worth something to him at all? Am I worth it? I think he is worth it.

If he decides that I’m not worth the risk. Will I be able to let go? Will I be able to be friends with him still? I think I will be able to be friends but with boundaries and some time for space between us. We wouldn’t be able to go back to where things were. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to be dragged along. I need to time to adjust to the change and move on and of course I would fall into a deep depression…. again. But I have my coping mechanisms to help me through it. Such as my painting and writing. No matter what happens, I know I will be ok. I may feel weak at times, but I am strong. I got this. I just need to concur this fear and go from there. This will be interesting. This will be terrifying. But I am a grown a** woman. All I have to do is be myself and handle it like a boss with whatever may happen. YOU BE YOU! or in this case ME BE ME!

Stay Tuned to the next post…