Unlocking the Door

This post is going to be a hard one for me, but I know in order for me to get better mentally I need to do this.

I see a therapist. I see one for my severe chronic depression and anxiety. Today when I met with them, we had a nice talk about opening up. I am one that doesn’t open up too much. I don’t like talking about my issues with people. The reason I do this is because I don’t want to be a burden to other people. They have their own issues to work through. So, why should I express my feelings and burden them with my issues? I can handle my war on my own. But according to my therapist. I can’t do that. According to my therapist I need to let people in and let them see who I am. I need to talk about what I am going through because maybe they can help me become a better me. Is this true? Or am I just setting myself up for failure?

Here is the thing. I don’t trust people. I don’t trust people with them knowing who I really am. I don’t trust people enough to open up to them. Why? I have grown up learning not to trust people. To not open up to people because they can use it against me and ruin me. The sad thing is. I have seen this done to people close to me by people who are close to me. When I have seen it done. Why should I trust someone? Why should I open up to someone when I’ve seen it ruin lives?

Opening up has always been an issue with me, ever since I was a little girl. When I was in high school, I tried to reach out to people. I tried telling people I needed help. Not in words, per se. I had a way of trying to tell people I needed help, but it wasn’t conventional, it wasn’t healthy. I was a negative person in my younger years. I was so depressed and in such a dark place that I would cut my arms and tried to get people to notice the cuts. But when I would be confronted by people about the cuts. I would dismiss it as saying it was my cat. I would chicken out about opening up to them about my depression and about the way I was feeling. I don’t do well expressing my true feelings. Let alone talking about my feelings. It’s what I have a therapist for, right? Well, according to my therapist I need to talk to other people other than them. I need to unload what is inside. It will help ME feel better and give others a chance to help me and to understand me.

I can see their point in opening up to people but here is my issue with opening up, I know I said mentioned this before. I don’t want to burden people with my problems. This is MY war to fight, by myself. What happens if I hurt people for letting them in? What happens if they run away? What happens if they look at me differently? My point is, I don’t think I can handle hurting them. I don’t think I could hand the outcome of them knowing me completely. My vulnerability will be out in the open. They could easily hurt me. I’m not strong enough to open myself up. I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid of what will happen to, not only, me but to the people I care about. Can I really talk about my traumas? My struggles? My darkness? What is on my mind? My feelings? Can I really do this? Can I really open up and expose my vulnerability to people? What would be the benefit of opening up? Am I willing to try?

Yes. I am willing to try. But the question is where should I start? That, I will have to think about. Going into my mind and bring it out in the open will be challenging and emotional. I already gave you a little taste. But if I am going to open the door. Maybe, just maybe I can FINALLY start to move on to my future and heal from my past. Maybe, just maybe opening up and getting out what is inside will help me cope with myself. And maybe, just maybe I can become a new, better me. Step by step. It will take time. LET’S DO THIS! Stay tuned for the next entry. We will open up more next time. Now, where to start?